There are more questions than answers (clockstopper) wrote,
There are more questions than answers

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Title: Grays
Author: Clockstopper
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Post-Ep for Irresponsible, so spoilers for that and Common Ground. It's slightly dark, but mostly character study. Also character death, but not of anyone too important. Those who have seen the episode will understand.
Notes: This isn't something I should be writing, but the idea wouldn't leave my head.
They used to make it a game. To see who could come up with the most creative way and Rodney always had ones that seemed quite impossible, but it had just been a game. John made it real.

John’s dreamed about it.

Not that he’d ever tell anyone, but he’s fantasized about the ways he’d do it. How long he’d take. If it would be quick and messy or slow and precise. Thought about all the ways he’d learned how to kill someone and he’s taken a few of them and re-worked them to fit some of his more grim dreams.

But Koyla is dead and all it took had been one little bullet.

One well placed bullet that had ripped through his organs and Carson had said it hadn’t even taken that long. Hadn’t been all that bloody either and John wonders if it’s a bad thing that that’s a let down.

“Maybe you should consider talking to Heightmeyer.” Carson says after the post mission check up.

“I’m fine.” John says.

He knows just the way to say it to throw Carson off too. Has study Carson’s face and knows just the right amount of ease and determination to mix together so Carson believes him.

“It would not hurt to speak to someone about your encounter.” Teyla says.

“As much as I like Doc Heightmeyer, I don’t think there’s much to say on the subject.”

Teyla’s just a bit harder than Carson to figure out, but she won’t push and all John has to do is deny he needs any help long enough for Teyla to realize she can’t win. It takes a while, but it always has the desired affect.

Ronon doesn’t say much. Just grunts and nods his head and John knows that’s because Ronon would have done worse in John’s place. Would have taken Koyla some place he could scream loudly, but no one would hear him. Wouldn’t have allowed Teyla to stop him even with all the logic in the world.

But he hadn’t pushed because he had believed it had to be John’s decision and John couldn’t thank him enough for that.

Rodney doesn’t say much, but John knows what he’s saying without him having to utter a word. Can see it all in those concerned blue eyes of his and John knows he’ll do his thing afterward.

The thing where he doesn’t speak, just takes off all of John’s clothes and lays him down on the bed. So gentle and his hand’s will be everywhere and not enough places all at once, like he’s checking, like he’s making sure.

John knows the ritual. Remembers it well because it hadn’t been that long ago. Doesn’t amaze him how concentrated Rodney can be, but it does amaze him how patient and silent. Just groans and the occasional ‘fuck’, but other than that Rodney’s quiet, biting his lip because John knows he wants to scream.

He never asks why Rodney doesn’t. Never asks why Rodney doesn’t just let go because sometimes the whole careful routine gets grating, especially when John just wants to be fucked and forget about it all. But there are other times, times when things are slower that John loves it.

Loves Rodney’s careful exploration because it calms him down. Stops the thoughts that run through his head about killing and revenge and the way the air always tastes like ash after a Wraith attack.

He needs it during those times.

“You’re not going to tell me to see Heightmeyer?” John asks.

It’s a stupid question, one he asks just to ease the mood because they’re done with the post mission check ups, Carson making one last ditch effort, Elizabeth asking as well, before they let him go back to his quarters. And now they’re alone and none of that stuff matters. Only what’s between them matters.

And John already knows how Rodney feels about Heightmeyer. If he hadn’t, the look on his face, that pulled pained expression that makes his whole face scrunch up, would certainly give him away.

“I don’t see it helping much. At least not with you.” Rodney says as he takes off his boots.

It’s true. John knows how to beat the psychologist because they don’t really help. Not when you’ve been in firefights and had to risk good men and some people like it, but it’s never been for John. He can certainly dodge Heightmeyer, which, in all honesty, is a pretty easy task.

He likes her. She’s nice, but her areas of expertise don’t really involve killing your arch nemesis.

“So… you killed him.”

He wonders what’s going through Rodney’s head. What billions of thoughts are swimming through that head of his and John knows there’s probably a few violent ones mixed in with all the relief.

They used to make it a game. To see who could come up with the most creative way and Rodney always had ones that seemed quite impossible, but it had just been a game. John made it real.

He wonders how Rodney can look at him, but he knows Rodney’s been there for a lot more killing than this one. Knows that Rodney’s never turned away, always came to him and didn’t ask questions.

There’s something different about this time though and maybe it’s because it’s Koyla. The guy had made some parts of their lives a living hell and John knows it. Feels the scar whenever he pins Rodney’s hands above his head while he’s fucking him, wrists held down and John’s felt the raised skin that indicates a thin scar.

He hates that it’s there. Hates it more than he’s willing to examine and when Koyla had threatened to kill Rodney first, John had gone a little crazy. Hadn’t let it show because Lucius had been there and he had been trying to think of a way to save them that wouldn’t end in all of them dying horribly.

“He would have killed us.” John says.

“Hmm.” Rodney shakes his head.

Walks over to John and lets his hands roam under John’s shirt. John sucks in a breath, hopes and prays Rodney takes off his shirt and his clothes and he just wants to forget about it.

“It’s almost anticlimactic.” Rodney whispers against his neck, lips brushing sweet kisses against the skin there.

“Yeah, I mean, thought it would be different.” John says.

Because he had. He’s let himself think about it. Let himself wonder what it would be like to flirt with that line. The line he’s never really crossed before. The one that wants revenge and gets possessive. He’d almost crossed it just hearing Koyla talk so flippantly about killing Rodney.

John has enough reasons to kill him, torture by Wraith being one of the huge ones up there, but he’s never wanted it more than when he’s faced with Koyla. Has never wanted to really hurt someone that much, inflict that much pain, feel that much darkness then when he thinks about that cell and Koyla’s orders to that Wraith.

“Doesn’t make it better.” Rodney says, hands on John’s pants and John leans into his hands.

It’s not really a question and John knows he doesn’t have to answer because Rodney knows. Koyla’s dead, but that doesn’t change what he did. Doesn’t make the scars go away. Doesn’t make the memories of torture fade at all.

“It’s better that he’s dead.” Rodney says.

John pulls a face. It’s not something he wants to hear seriously come from Rodney’s lips because they can joke about it, make excel spreadsheets and charts and graphs about the best way to do it, but that's just letting out the frustration. It doesn't mean anything. Rodney’s not the type for revenge and John doesn’t want him to be.

“I thought about it. Thought about tracking Koyla down and killing him. Or maybe having Ronon kill him. You know I’m not one for blood.”

“Ronon would have done it.” John comments.

Ronon lives in the gray, no matter how black and white his views may seem.

“I don’t care that he’s dead. I just wonder if it’s ended for you.”

John lifts up his head. Looks deep into Rodney’s eyes and frowns.

“It’s over.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s ended.”

“It’ll always be there.”

“You don’t have to let it go. I’m not asking you to.”

“I couldn’t. There’s too many reminders.”

He doesn’t know that he’s rubbing Rodney’s wrist until Rodney looks down. Even then he can’t stop.

“I knew you’d save us. It was your turn.”

John smiles at that even though he’s pretty sure he hadn’t meant for it to be all that funny.

“I couldn’t just… he threatened to kill you.”

“He does that a lot.”

“That doesn’t make it easier.”

He’s pulled Rodney closer throughout the conversation because he’s shirt is off and Rodney’s been playing with the damn buttons on his pants for far too long without actually unbuttoning them. Hands go to the zipper of Rodney’s shirt and he pulls it down and pulls it off, Rodney letting out one of those groans that drives John crazy.

They have sex, it’d be unnatural for them not to. That same burning, slow, exploration sex and John wants it this time, needs it more than he’s willing to admit. Just the feeling of Rodney’s big hands on his skin, soft and smooth and there and John knows he’s not dead, but he could have been.

And when Rodney pushes inside of him, John lets out a shuddery breath and blinks a few times. Loves the feel of Rodney inside of him, moving and thrusting and that part’s never slow. That part’s always filled with need and desire and John sometimes feels like he’s just holding on and he likes it.

Because he saves Rodney’s ass on a daily basis and he complains, but he doesn’t mean it. He needs Rodney and he needs this. Needs to let go and just let Rodney take over for awhile because his brain can’t stop thinking a mile a minute.

Rodney makes those noises that John loves to hear and moves faster, cock hitting his prostate and John’s legs wrap around his waist and he tries to keep the pace and John can’t speak. Can only groan and move with Rodney and when Rodney’s hand touches his cock and he strokes and John’s coming with Rodney’s name on his lips.

And Rodney’s coming to, shouts coming off his lips and his hands griping John’s hips so hard there’ll be bruises in the morning and John loves every minute of it.

“Feel better?”

John moans.

“I have every bit of faith that you’ll have this all compartmentalized by tomorrow.” Rodney whispers against his neck.

“You’re probably right.” John whispers back.

He knows himself well enough to know how he’s brain works. Others will ask him, repeatedly until they’re beating a dead dog and John will just be charming and answer with a smile. Say it’s part of his job even though it’s not because it had been personal with Koyla. Personal in a way that shooting down planes filled with faceless enemies isn't.

But he’ll have it all stored away by then and it’ll be easy.

“Of course I’m right. I know the twisted way that thing you call a brain works. Odd as it may be.”

“Such a sweet talker, Rodney.”

“You’re with the wrong person if you wanted sweet talking.”

“Well call me a masochist, but I kind of like it when you call me stupid.”

“Figures I’d travel to another galaxy and still end up with the crazy person.”

John smiles and pulls Rodney closer. Let’s his head rest on John’s shoulder and he sighs, breath evening out a bit and he’s almost all the way asleep when he hears Rodney whisper it.

“Thank you for saving me.”

“I’ll always save you.”

He knows it’s not true. Knows he’s just saying it because of the day and he’s rushing off the adrenaline now and he just wants to sleep and be near Rodney. It’s as true as he wants to make it and he wants it to always be true.

Wants it enough to visit that dark place that he’s not supposed to visit. That place that wanted him to kill Koyla in the most painful, drawn out, bloodiest way possible not just for himself, but for Rodney and Elizabeth as well.

He knows he can’t though. Has to keep it together for all of Atlantis and he’s never had this problem before. It’s never been this hard before, but he knows he has too.

But none of that matters because it’s almost morning and his brain is already trying to find ways to bury it deep inside his mind. And he knows it’s better to just let it happen. So he just holds Rodney closer, feels Rodney smile against his neck and he smiles just at the feel of it.

“Hmm… my hero.”

Tags: john/rodney, sga

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