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The Hardest Thing About Writing Slashy Smut is the Pronoun Confusion
Clockstopper's Live Journal
The car is fixed (thank god). I'm having a little trouble caring… 
28th-Nov-2006 11:28 pm
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The car is fixed (thank god). I'm having a little trouble caring about the new Nip/Tuck which is probably bad. I'll get caught up later. Right now I'm feeling a little weird tv wise. Although there was a cool Pretenders thing on VH1 Classic that had Incubus singing with them. That was pretty cool.

And only I could watch a new SGA and write something SG1

Title: Different Kind of Sorrow
Fandom: SG-1
Character(s) or Pairing: Jack/Daniel in a kind of sort of way. Told in the POV of Nyan... everyone remembers Nyan right. Cute little scientist in New Ground 3x19... actor later went on to play Brenden Gaul from SGA... well hopefully you do. He was so underutilized.
Prompt: Faith, Angst
Rating: We shall go with PG-13
Summary: But mostly, that office was for Colonel O’Neill to sit and contemplate what he could possibly do with the rest of his existence and Nyan knew that wasn’t for anyone else to bare witness too. A post Meridan story told from the point of view of Nyan about the Jack/Daniel relationship.
A/N: I wanted to do this one a long time ago, but never got up the nerve. Here it is now though so enjoy. Written for both philosophy_20 and wordclaim50





Nyan considered himself a smart guy. All his professors and colleagues back on Bedrosia said he was probably the brightest person they’d come across in a very long time. Nyan had always taken those words with the appropriate blush and denial, but really he felt he was pretty smart when it came right down to it.

Of course that was before he came to the SGC. Then he realized what smart really was. Smart was Major Carter and her infinite ability to spout out wormhole theories in seconds and make it sound like the simplest thing to understand. Smart was Dr. Jackson and his ability to read any language and speak a vast number of them. Smart took on a whole new meaning when faced with the hundred or so scientist that worked in Cheyenne Mountain and Nyan felt his head spin as he tried to keep up.

And Dr. Jackson just smiled at him when he got something wrong or put something in the wrong place. He would politely tell Nyan the correct answer or the correct place and then go back to his work. Most would probably hate it. Most who had been in Nyan’s position as lead scientist in almost everything, would get frustrated by the constant correcting.

But Nyan was a scientist and he was a scientist that had questioned the existence of ‘The Gateway’ when he lived in a society that practically killed you for just think there was really such a thing. He could admit that his knowledge wasn’t infallible. He was open to the idea that there was always something new out there.

At least it made life interesting.

Living at the SGC also made life interesting. There was a dynamic between everyone there, whether they acknowledged it or not. Most didn’t. Most just went about their routine schedules, passing by those people who were in the same boat as them without a care in the world.

Most were soldiers and Nyan understood why they didn’t have much direct contact with people. Nyan knew about soldier life. Anyone could die at any moment and it hurt more if you made tight bonds with them. The thing was, the soldiers at the SGC already had tight bonds. They were working on something that no one else could ever know about. Not even their families.

Nyan found it weird that they didn’t acknowledge that… much.

The funniest people to watch though was definitely the people of SG1. Dr. Jackson and Major Carter and Colonel O’Neill and Teal’c. Their interactions with each other of the years showed the very pattern of human behavior and it amazed Nyan to see it played out right in front of his eyes so vividly and raw.

He was there for Major Carter’s first realizations of her ill fated crush on Colonel O’Neill. He was there for General Hammond’s intimidation and he was there to help out Dr. Jackson when the Replicators first became a threat.

Was there for all the various bad situations that happened daily at the SGC and he’s seen how everyone else deals with it and he has always tried to deal with it the same way. It helps that he was practically invisible in the mountain.

There are those that notice him, people that worked for Dr. Jackson and they’re always willing to lend a helping hand. He has embraced them. Took in their ideas and listened to them talk and loved ever second of it.

Now there is a somber feeling among the scientists, one that Nyan got because Dr. Jackson is gone, dead like some many others Nyan has known and seen pass because of the war on his home world, but he never thought Dr. Jackson would become a casualty of war.

They all stare at Nyan blankly and he understood why. They’re looking to him for guidance, for a reason, for something to do because when Dr. Jackson was off world he left that stuff up to Nyan and Nyan had relished in the responsibility.

It was something he could do, manage the budgets and hand out the tasks and watch over the archaeologist that only got as close to off world as the artifacts brought back by the SG teams. Something that didn’t require knowledge about other planets, something that was solely numbers and common sense and learning about the people he worked with and Nyan could do that well.

But it’s not his job. General Hammond had given it to one of the more experienced scientist. He didn’t have the comforting and warm personality that Dr. Jackson did. Most people didn’t and Nyan tried really hard not to judge him, but he’s not the only one that feels that way.

No one has talked about emptying Dr. Jackson’s office. He’s seen his teammates, Teal’c and Major Carter, go in and come out in tears not able to touch anything in it as though they might be disturbing a ghost and Nyan thought that was pretty close to the truth.

He watched General Hammond go in once, but he hadn’t the heart to clean out the office either.

He hadn’t ordered it either and Nyan has started to feel weird just passing by it. There was no way around it though, so everyday on his way to his work station where he has a pile of work stacks high, he passes by it.

Sometimes he’ll stop. Look inside and poke at things. Pick up books he remembered Dr. Jackson made him read so he could get caught up. Remembered conversations he’s had about their fight against the Gou’ald, because it was very much his fight now too.

Remembered all the information and stored it up in his mind so he could recall it. Thought about how useful it will be when he goes home, if he ever goes home, to tell them that ‘The Gateway’ is real and there are bigger problems than difference in opinion.

That they should count themselves lucky because they’ve never been under Gou’ald rule and Nyan remembered listening to the passionate speeches Dr. Jackson made about the subject after a particularly hard mission.

Other days he’ll pass by it and try not to think about the memories of a man that meant something to everyone that it contains.

Today was one of those stopping days though. Just because he wanted a book that was inside, but he stopped when he saw Colonel O’Neill.

He stood there, looking a bit lost and Nyan couldn’t remember, in the last two months since Dr. Jackson has been gone, that Colonel O’Neill has ever been in this office.

He remembered the whispers of things. Speculation on the part of the scientist and Nyan knew that rumors were childish, but he always thought there was something to these ones.

The rumors stopped after Dr. Jackson died though, many taking the Colonel’s abrupt attitude to mean that there wasn’t any great love affair, but Nyan was never one to go with popular opinion.

“Colonel O’Neill?” Nyan said.

He looked up, startled expression on his face. Like he couldn’t believe that Nyan had been able to sneak up on him, but Colonel O’Neill had been so far away in his mind that it hadn’t exactly been hard on Nyan’s part.

“Nyan? How goes it?” He asked.

“Fine. I was just coming in here to grab a book. I wasn’t aware you’d be here.”

“I… I was just stopping by.”

The way he stuttered over his words was very telling for Nyan, but he didn’t say anything. Didn’t bring light on the fact that Colonel O’Neill hasn’t been to this office since Dr. Jackson died.

Nyan has a feeling that he has been to this office and they’ve just never seen it before. There’s something in the way he’s holding himself that speaks volumes to Nyan. But there’s something called ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ with the people of Earth and Nyan knew that that meant something to them.

“I… I could leave you alone. Get the book later. If you wanted to spend some time here.”

“What… no… I just…”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

The Colonel looked at him weirdly.

“I understand what?”

“What it’s like to loose someone. I’ve seen many fall in Bedrosia. My father, brother, even my sister was killed during a raid.”

“That why it was so easy for you to leave. You knows besides the whole being an outcast from your nation thing.”

Nyan smiled.

“Something like that. I… I wanted their deaths to mean something. Sometimes… sometimes death is just death. Sometimes it has no meaning.”

It wasn’t comforting in the least, but Nyan knew that Colonel O’Neill didn’t want comforting. It was the same for Dr. Jackson. He’d died like so many of the people on Bedrosia for a war that was false.

“He’s not dead you know. He’s… he’s Ascended.”

Nyan nodded.

“I have read some on the Ascended. Doctor Jackson’s notes on the subject were a bit vague and…”

“Long winded?”

“I was going to say preachy, but I guess that works as well. We don’t have Ascended on our world. Just dead.”

“No afterlife I take it.”

Nyan frowned. He remembered an old, brilliant scientist, Aysel, who had lost her husband in the war. Remembered how she spoke of them, as though he were still alive, as though he were with her at all times.

Many had thought her crazy. She hadn’t remarried after that, content to live her life alone as though he had been all she needed and with him gone, she was just a shell.

He looked at Colonel O’Neill. Can see the same lines and looks in his face that he saw on hers.

“It is not an idea that is embraced by the general populace.”

Colonel O’Neill smiled at that.

“It’s not one I embrace either.”

“Yet you speak of Doctor Jackson and how he is Ascended. Doesn’t that mean you believe… somewhat? That you have faith.”

He tilted his head, curious expression on his face. Nyan watched as he patted Dr. Jackson’s desk, ran his hands over the smooth surface and he looked to be lost in a memory. One that Nyan wasn’t so sure he should be aware of, let alone witness Colonel O’Neill think about it.

Because he was there. There for all the times they’d rush into Dr. Jackson’s office and push out anyone who was in there, bright, wild loose smiles on their faces and they’d lock the door for hours.

Was there for the fights, however loud or subtle and was there for the make ups afterward. Got to witness the smooth flow that their relationship sometimes had. Days where Colonel O’Neill would sit at the other side of the desk looking through his mission reports and Dr. Jackson would chew on his pen while working on a translation.

Got to witness the turbulent times when they were both loud and full of anger, at themselves and each other and their situation. Got to witness everything, spectator’s perspective, but still there. So open and free and Nyan didn’t and still doesn’t think they know how obvious they were being in just being near each other.

“No, Nyan, it’s just something I tell myself so I can sleep at night.”

He had said it in a whisper, voice low and hushed and Nyan would have believed it, even he hadn’t been so sure that it was a lie to keep up appearances.

Nyan was almost grateful for it.

~*~

The next day Nyan went to work. Passed by the office, only this time it’s close and the lights are out and Nyan didn’t have to try the handle to know that it’s locked.

It was better that way though. That office wasn’t for the ones that mourned lightly like all the scientists that hadn’t really known Dr. Jackson. That office was for the people that knew him the best, the people he called his family.

But mostly, that office was for Colonel O’Neill to sit and contemplate what he could possibly do with the rest of his existence and Nyan knew that wasn’t for anyone else to bare witness too.

But the silence would have to be enough for everyone else.

FIN


43/50

9/20

Comments 
29th-Nov-2006 01:58 pm (UTC)
*cries* Very well done. Lovely story.
29th-Nov-2006 02:42 pm (UTC)
Oh, heartbreakingly lovely! The Nyan pov was very effetive. *weeps some more*
29th-Nov-2006 02:50 pm (UTC)
He'll be back! Keep the faith, Jack. *sniffles*
30th-Nov-2006 04:23 pm (UTC)
Yay! for the car being fixed! I missed last week and this week's N/T because I'm at my dad's. *eyes* Guessing they weren't too good?
30th-Nov-2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
Good has relative terms when talking about this show, but I actually heard they were pretty good. Especially last week's episode if you want more on the Sean/Christian relationship. I just couldn't get myself up out of the chair to change it all the way to FX after Law and Order SVU. I don't have a remote so these things can get problematic. I usually change it to Letterman after that and that's it.

Yes, the car is fixed. It looks good, black and shiny like it should be.
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